The King of One-Upmanship

Everyone knows one of these guys. The type of guy that, no matter what personal experience you may have had, his was always better. Seriously, even if their experiences were better than yours, why do they get off on letting everyone in your group know it? The following are some actual stories, others are not. All names have been changed to protect everyone's identity.

Me: When I was younger my dad took me to the zoo and I got to feed the lions!
Him: That's cool. I went to the zoo once with my dad too and I got to ride a giraffe.

Me: Me and my buddies were messing around shooting hoops the other day. And just before we were getting ready to leave I drained a half-courter!
Him: I can two-hand reverse dunk from the 3-point line.

Me: (whilst playing pick-up tackle football) We played last week and I threw a wicked block on this one guy. I took out his knees and upended him. It was pretty sweet.
Him: Jim Kelly is my Godfather, and he used to call for advice before big games. I was responsible for 2 of his 4 AFC Championships.

Me: I was hanging with my bros at the Coyote Ugly bar in Vegas and I danced with Lindsay Lohan and her friends.
Him: One time when I was in Los Angeles, I ran into P. Diddy and his crew. He invited me to his party that night and I screwed all the dancers from his "Mo Money, Mo Problems" video.

Me: Last St. Patrick's Day I won a drawing for free pitchers the rest of the night!
Him: I piss Miller Lite.

Me: I was once an extra for a small movie shot in my hometown!
Him: Robert DeNiro is my Godfather, and he used my recovery from multiple gunshot wounds as motivation for his role in The Godfather Part II.
Me: I thought Jim Kelly was your Godfather?
Him: What? You're breaking up!
Me: Breaking up? We're not on cell phones. I'm right in front of you.
Him: Pretends to still be on a phone and hangs up.

So if you are near one of these guys just run with it. When he tries to one-up you, just jab right back. See who gives in first. But keep your one-ups somewhat realistic. Wait until he goes way over the line. For example:

Me: My best baseball game I went 2-for-3 with 1 RBI and 3 runs scored.
Him: I once took BP at spring training with the Yankees.
Me: (starting my one-ups) I reached over the fence at the World Series and fell onto the field. I was on TV for a few minutes.
Him: I was a finalist for the $1,000,000 million shot from half court at the NBA All-Star Game. I finished second to a tax attorney from Wisconsin so I wasn't on TV.
Me: I was in a head-on car crash. I was fine because my airbag worked, but the other car wasn't so lucky. I had to pull a mother and her 9-year old child from the car before it burst into flames.
Him: (going too far) I have a time machine. I went back in time and murdered Adolf Hitler. He didn't commit suicide like everyone says. The reason history recognizes his suicide is because, with my time machine, I can also freeze time- like Zack on "Saved By the Bell"- and I rewrote all the history books to say he killed himself. And I changed some other stuff too. Just so it would make sense logistically and chronologically.

So there you have it. Just push as long as you can until he cracks and goes too far. Then he'll look like an ass in front of the group. Once he has left- as he most suredly will since no one will want to talk to such a bold-faced liar- tell all the girls he is not toilet trained.

McB